


Someone Told Me Not to Cry (It's a Lie)

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Just boys being soft here really, M/M, Pre-Relationship, i guess, post 3.15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23940919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Eddie's fine, he is.Really.He keeps telling himself that until he accidentally calls Buck in the middle of the night after a nightmare.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 60
Kudos: 616





	Someone Told Me Not to Cry (It's a Lie)

**Author's Note:**

> I have been in this fandom for maybe two weeks now, which is all [tarialdarion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion)'s fault. This fic is also her fault, because she's an enabler/cheerleader, and said if I wrote this she would die happy.
> 
> I wrote this fic in just under a day. Mostly during my lunch and after "work" ended for the day. I swear it took at least half as long to figure out a title. I finally just took a mashed up two lines from Wake Up by Arcade Fire. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Eddie finally got home sometime when it was closer to morning than night anymore. The house was dark and quiet – empty, since he’d had Carla drop Chris off at his abuela’s when it became clear that the call might take longer than expected. He barely remembered to kick off his shoes before he fell into his bed. He was out within moments, and stayed crashed until his alarm jolted him awake. He dragged himself upright, felt half asleep still as he pulled on clean clothes. He was sore, everything aching – bruises on bruises, the physical strain from everything the other night. It wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle, hadn’t handled before. It could have been worse – he was fine.

When his abuela opened the door, she hardly waited a moment to start fussing, even as he stepped through the door and kissed her cheek. Eddie wasn’t sure how much she knew, what precisely had been on the news, but he assured her he was fine. Yes, he’d been checked out by doctors, and yes, he did get some sleep. Yes, he was sure he was okay.

Chris grinned at him over his breakfast plate at the table as Eddie came over. Grinning, Eddie ruffled his hair, letting his abuela urge him into his own seat and set a full plate in front of Eddie too. While they ate, Chris told Eddie about everything he did the other day – school, hanging out with Carla, what abuela made for dinner the other night.

Abuela watched Eddie like a hawk the entire time. There was no way Chris didn’t pick up on something being up, because Eddie caught him looking between the two of them with a thoughtful look. He seemed to forget all about it when Eddie asked if he was ready to go, rushing back to the guest room to get his bags.

Abuela stopped Eddie in the hall, placing both hands on his cheeks to hold him still and looking at him, concerned and stern. “You’ll ask, if there’s anything we can do to help.”

Eddie smiled wryly, gently curling his fingers over her wrists and leaning down to kiss her cheek again. “Yes,” he promised. “But I’m okay, really.”

She hummed, mouth pressed in that way that meant she had a lot she wanted to say but wouldn’t for politeness’ sake. Which was good, because Chris was coming down the hallway.

Eddie got Chris to school, promising to pick him up after. He had been told to take the next few days off – he’d tried to argue he was fine, could work, but Bobby had gotten that familiar, stubborn look about him and Eddie knew a losing fight when he saw one.

It left him aimless most of the day though. He cleaned the house, went out to do some errands, tried to watch some TV and failed. He was that old, familiar mix of jittery with energy and heavy with exhaustion. Even if he wanted to nap, he wouldn’t be able to. It was fine. Not the first time he’d gone a day on little to no sleep, and wouldn’t be the last. He didn’t mind it.

It was something of a relief to leave to pick Chris up from school. He stayed a bit to talk to his teacher. Ana Flores was pretty, and kind, and a little funny. It wouldn’t be hard to start something there. Something that would be – easy, he supposed. She knew he had a kid, she _knew_ his kid since he was in her class, so that would be out of the way.

It wasn’t like he had time to date anyway, though. His time was taken up with work and spending all the time he could with Chris. He didn’t want to be like his own father. He didn’t want to be like he used to be, barely there for Chris. He had to do better, be better. Be the father Chris deserved. He didn’t really need anyone to do that, and didn’t want to risk anything that could hurt Chris. Chris already had lost Shannon. Twice. Eddie couldn’t let something like that happen again, he couldn’t.

When they get home, Eddie made a snack while Chris told him about what had happened at school. Eddie listened for familiar names, for anything that seemed amiss, just – listened. Chris had a lot of friends, and aside from the whole skateboard thing that – admittedly – Eddie reacted really badly to, there hadn’t ever been any issues at Chris’ school. When Chris mentioned an upcoming birthday party, Eddie tried to remember where he’d put the invite that had come home with Chris a week or so ago. It didn’t look like it was on the fridge – maybe he’d set it on his bedside table. It was somewhere – hopefully not the trash.

“Lucas said he saw Buck on TV last night.”

Eddie blinked, breathed, and carefully did not react beyond that. “Oh yeah?” he asked, casting a glance and grin over his shoulder. Buck had picked Chris up enough times, and Chris had talked about him enough Eddie was sure, that Buck was as known among Chris’ friends as Eddie himself was.

Chris nodded, frowning as he carefully wrote out an answer on what looked like a grammar or spelling worksheet. “Did you and Buck save someone?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, coming over and ruffling his hair, setting a plate of snacks beside him. “A kid got stuck somewhere dangerous. We got him out safe though.”

Chris smiled, bright and huge; it made Eddie’s chest twist with how much happiness and love he felt for his son.

Eddie didn’t change the subject, so much as refocus Chris on his homework. He was glad Chris didn’t ask anything more about the other night, or seem to think much more about it. Eddie took in a breath and let it out, purposefully slow. It was fine. He was fine. And Chris, right there next to him, was safe and happy.

That was what mattered. That was all that mattered.

He helped Chris with his homework – as much as he could at least. They’d changed how kids did their math, and it seemed like Eddie had less clue with each year just what teachers wanted Chris to do, and how to do it himself. (The rectangle boxes for multiplication? Eddie had given up figuring that one out months ago.)

Eddie answered some well-meaning texts from Pepa, and one from Bobby asking after him (Bobby didn't take him up on coming back for the shift he should have had tomorrow). He ordered pizza for dinner, and settled in with Chris to watch an animated movie on Netflix. Eddie fought back several yawns, blinking heavily. Chris, unlike him, didn’t seem even slightly tired. Just where did kids even get all that energy?

The movie ended. Eddie turned and grinned at Chris. “Okay. Bedtime.”

“Aw, Dad,” Chris said, voice drawing out into almost a whine. He was practically giggling though. “I’m not even sleepy.”

Eddie had noticed. It probably (hopefully) wouldn't last too much longer.

“Well you can be not-sleepy in bed,” he stated, getting to his feet and pulling Chris into his arms, turning in a quick circle just for how it made Chris grab onto him and throw his head back in laughter. “ _You_ have got school tomorrow.”

Chris, still grinning, heaved a dramatic sigh and said, “If I have to.”

“Yes, you have to,” Eddie laughed. He felt it was a safe bet Chris had learned that precise dramatic sigh from Buck, since Eddie was pretty sure he’d seen Buck do the exact same thing when Bobby told him to do the dishes last week. Eddie had taken over a coffee mug he'd finished up, dropping it in the almost-empty sink with a grin at Buck; Buck had flicked soapy water at him.

While Chris brushed his teeth, Eddie went around making sure the doors were locked and the lights off. No way was he staying up once he got Chris in bed. His head had started almost throbbing with how exhausted he was, and he was looking forward to getting some sleep.

It was one of the favorite parts of Eddie’s day, when he got to settle on the bed next to his son, Chris cuddled up against his side, and read to him before bed. They’d gotten their current book from the library two weeks ago – Eddie probably needed to renew it soon, actually – and were a little under halfway through it. They typically managed a chapter a night – unless it was a weekend and the story was getting to a good part. Chris almost always managed to weasel an extra chapter out of Eddie then, which meant prolonging bedtime.

Chris didn’t try asking for that extra chapter tonight, just wiggled down in his bed until his head was on the pillow. He looked closer to sleep at least, now, so Eddie wasn’t likely to need to keep his ears peeled for Chris slipping out of bed to play with his toys.

Not that Eddie was sure he’d manage to stay awake long enough to do so anyway.

“Night buddy,” Eddie murmured, pressing a kiss to Chris’ forehead. He closed his eyes, for a moment feeling overwhelmed with – everything. He breathed through it, the tickle in his nose and the tightness of his throat and the burn at his eyes. When he pulled back, he was fine, and Chris smiled up at him.

“Night Dad,” he mumbled. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Chris.”

Eddie left the door open a crack, like usual. There was a small, dim nightlight plugged in the hallway, just in case. As soon as he was in his own room, door closed, he felt exhaustion hit him hard, all his muscles heavy and aching. A hot shower sounded – really good, tempting. But sleep sounded better.

He dragged off his clothes, not bothering to pull on anything as pajamas. He fumbled with the charger cable for his phone, got it plugged in and set on his bedside. The alarm to get Chris up in time for school was ready. Eddie’s bed felt almost sinfully good, and he groaned under his breath as he dragged a pillow closer. He didn’t fall asleep right away like he’d thought he would, but it didn’t take too long, maybe fifteen or twenty minutes, before he did.

It was far from restful though.

When Eddie jolted awake, breath choked in his throat, the dark pressing around him, he scrambled for his phone. His hands shook so badly he dropped it, and it clattered loudly to the floor. Echoes of the past were in his ears, gunshots, a tunnel collapsing; it was dark and the rushing in his ears was almost a pressure itself, like being stuck underwater.

The sound of ringing broke through that rushing in his ears. Eddie pulled his phone back to see the screen.

He was calling Buck. At fuck’o’clock in the middle of the night.

Shit.

Eddie had to try three times to stab at the button to hang up the call. Hopefully it hadn’t rung more than once or twice. He tossed it aside onto the mattress and pushed upright, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and sat there, hunched over. His hands were still shaking, it felt like his goddamned blood itself was vibrating. He was covered in sweat. He felt –

He didn’t really have words for it. Overwhelmed, maybe. Surrounded even though there was nothing and no one there. Just him, in his room in the dark. He’d been in this same goddamn situation so many times before, nightmares and no one in the dark, echoes from the past hiding somewhere just out of sight.

He held his breath. As long as he could, he held it, and then let it out in one huge burst and sucked in another. He was fine. He was fine.

He _was_.

Eddie shoved himself to his feet. He was fine, he really was, but he needed to make sure Chris was okay. Make sure he hadn’t been yelling or shouting or screaming, hadn’t woken up his son with this shit, that Chris was still safe and asleep in his room where Eddie had seen him last.

He stilled right outside Chris’ doorway. Just inside, through the crack he’d left in the door, he could see the lump of Chris in his bed. If Eddie held his breath and really tried to listen, he could hear his soft little snores, slight whistles on every exhale.

He leaned back against the wall, slid down until his ass hit the floor and his feet spilled out in front of him. Tilting his head back and to the side, so he could still just see Chris, Eddie watched and listened. Clenched his hands into fists to try to stop the shaking.

Everything was _fine_. Chris was fine, he was right fucking there. All the doctors had told Eddie he was fine, he’d _been fine_ , why the fuck couldn’t he just – suck it up. Sure, he had nightmares. Plenty of people did, and it’d been years since most of the shit in his had happened. He was _fine_.

Eddie kept telling himself that, jaw clenched so tight it hurt, hands curled into fists and shoved into his sides, eyes locked on Chris the whole time. Somehow, he didn’t even notice Buck until he slipped down the wall next to him, the slightest of space between them. He glanced at Buck, just for a few moments before his eyes had to go back to Chris.

Buck hadn’t even been looking at him. His head was tilted back against the wall, throat long, eyes closed.

They didn’t say anything.

It could have been minutes or hours. Time was a bit wonky for Eddie at the moment, but eventually Buck shifted beside him. He felt hot along Eddie’s side, his fingers nudging softly against one of Eddie’s fists. When Eddie didn’t pull away, Buck grabbed that hand, gently pulled Eddie’s fingers apart and slotted his between them.

Eddie was probably holding on too tightly. It probably hurt. But Buck just held it carefully in his, thumb stroking back and forth over Eddie’s hand. It was an oddly hypnotizing motion, soft and repetitive and – nice.

“Scared me a bit there,” Buck murmured, softer than a whisper, though it felt loud in the hallway, in the near-dark, after all the quiet earlier. “I tried calling back and you didn’t answer.”

Eddie swallowed. His throat hurt, like he’d strained it screaming but he hadn’t been making any noise, he was sure of it because Chris was still asleep. “Sorry,” he croaked.

Buck shook his head, giving Eddie’s hand a slight squeeze. “It’s okay,” he said. “I’m glad you called – even if you hung up.”

Letting out an unsteady breath, Eddie tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He must have been more tensed up than he realized – he could feel the muscles in his shoulders releasing now and it hurt. His temples were pounding. Buck tugged at his hand, just a bit, and shifted closer. It brought Eddie more against his side, and Buck let go of his hand to instead wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him even closer.

Eddie’s head was now tucked against Buck’s chest, almost against his neck. Buck settled his cheek on top of his head, and his thumb was now rubbing that soothing line into Eddie’s arm.

“It’s okay,” Buck repeated, head shifting a bit so Eddie felt the heat of his breath against his skin. “I’ve got you, Eddie. Whatever you need, I got you.”

As if it was as simple as that. As if it was as _easy_ as that.

Eddie couldn’t remember the last time someone had held him like this. The last time he’d _felt_ like this, even. It made his throat go tight, and he – he should be fine, he shouldn’t _need_ this. He was supposed to – for Chris, for everyone, he had to be –

“You can let go,” Buck whispered. “I’ve got your back, always have, you know that.”

He did. He knew that.

And it was – all so fucking much. Chris had found that damned medal, wanting Eddie to tell people about _why_ he had it, and then Eddie had almost _died_ , again, almost left Chris again but it would have been so much fucking worse this time. Chris wouldn’t have had anyone – who would have taken him in? Tia Pepa? Eddie’s parents – they’d wanted to before, wanted to take Chris from him because Eddie wasn’t good enough. Fuck if they knew about _this,_ they’d –

His hand was fisted in Buck’s shirt. He was probably ruining it, stretching it beyond repair.

Buck was – was rocking them just so slightly, a gentler version of what Eddie did for Chris when he had nightmares, held close and safe and….

 _Fuck_.

Eddie refused to open his mouth, because he knew the sounds that were clogging up his throat would be loud and embarrassing and would wake up his son. He couldn’t, he _couldn’t_ , so he clamped his jaw tight against them. It didn’t stop the hitches in his breathing, or the tears burning his eyes and breaking through even with him squeezing them shut and pressing them into Buck’s shoulder. He was shaking again – maybe he’d never actually stopped.

Buck just kept _holding him_ , thumb rubbing against the skin of his arm. If Eddie’s ass was going numb Buck’s had to be too at this point, but he didn’t even shift a bit, aside from that almost rocking motion. He didn’t say anything more, didn’t make any moves to pull back or to make Eddie calm down and….

It was like once he started he just _couldn’t stop_. It was almost more exhausting than anything else lately. Every time Eddie tried to stop, tried to slow his breathing, it just didn’t work. His teeth hurt with how hard he was trying not to make any noise – _Chris was right there_ – and his throat felt torn and choked. His fingers ached with how tightly he was holding on to Buck, like if he held on tight enough Buck just wouldn’t leave.

Buck didn’t leave, though. He sat there and held Eddie and didn’t say anything the whole damned time.

And, eventually, it stopped. Like Eddie had just run fucking dry, and had no more tears, no more anything to give.

For a few more minutes they sat there. Eddie’s head really hurt, was heavy now. His eyes burned and itched. His mouth felt tacky and dry.

He didn’t want to move one fucking inch.

Buck’s thumb stilled, but then his whole hand was rubbing up and down Eddie’s arm, a firm almost squeezing movement.

“Is your ass numb?”

Eddie snorted. He released his grip on Buck’s shirt with one hand to scrub at his face. “Yeah,” he said – though honestly it came out in the worst sounding crack of sound ever.

Buck huffed, a soft laugh. He didn’t ask to get up.

Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, pushing back the tears that tried to spring up again.

Buck’s hand kept drifting, up and down. Eddie eventually relaxed again, staring at the floor of the hallway. Buck’s breathing was steady in his ear, his chest rising and falling oddly soothing. Eddie hadn’t really had another body this close against his since – since Shannon. And that hadn’t been like… this. Whatever this was.

Eddie was too tired to think about it. Too tired to – to anything about that thought.

It’d be really easy to fall asleep right there though. So easy… except his ass really was fucking numb and the floor was not comfortable at all.

He finally lifted his head up, groaning quietly. He twisted his head around until it cracked, which was a good kind of brief pain. It made his shoulders feel even worse though. He straightened his back, leaning against the wall, and looked at Buck.

It ended up pinning Buck’s arm between the wall and Eddie. Buck made no move to pull it away even though that couldn’t have been comfortable. He just stared back at Eddie, eyes concerned and earnest.

“I can stay,” he said. He didn’t quite whisper and there was something in his voice Eddie wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to recognize.

“I’m fine,” he said. “You don’t need to stay.”

Buck frowned a bit, licked his lips. Eddie swallowed.

“Okay. But do you want me to?”

Eddie told himself that the question shouldn’t have felt as big as it did. He told himself that he shouldn’t want to crumple forward into Buck again. He shouldn’t be that weak.

He was fine.

Really.

And Eddie fully planned to tell Buck that no, he really was okay, Buck could go home to his bed and get what sleep he still could.

What came out though was a godawful _fragile_ sounding, “Stay. Please.”

Buck just smiled at him, that smile that was almost more on one side of his mouth than the other. “Of course.” He surged upright, one hand on the wall for balance, and held the other out to Eddie.

Eddie sucked in a breath that was more uneven and sharp than he meant it to be. He took Buck’s hand, both of them working to get Eddie on his feet. He felt lightheaded and unbalanced and he wasn’t sure it was just from sitting on the floor so long or his little breakdown there.

Buck had their fingers tangled up again. His thumb was stroking.

He led Eddie towards the kitchen. Eddie pulled away to splash some water on his face, dry it off with a paper towel. The cool water felt good, and while his eyes still felt itchy and hot, it wasn’t as bad now. Buck handed him a water bottle from the fridge, and Eddie drank it maybe a bit faster than he should have he was so fucking thirsty. Then Buck had his hand again and was pulling Eddie into his own bedroom, grabbing a pair of sweats from Eddie’s drawers and tossing them at him.

He tugged off his shirt, damp at one shoulder from Eddie’s crying. Eddie felt his stomach twist uncomfortably and looked away.

By the time he’d pulled the sweats on and put a knee on the bed, Buck had helped himself to one of Eddie’s old t-shirts and was standing at the bedside hesitantly.

Eddie blinked at him.

“You uh. Do you….” Buck cleared his throat. “I can go on the couch if you want.”

The air was so fucking still around them.

“My couch sucks,” Eddie muttered. “You’ve already been on my uncomfortable floor tonight. Might as well share the bed.”

“Yeah, alright.” Buck’s movements were a bit jerky, his face a bit flushed. Eddie eyed him for a moment longer before getting the rest of the way in beside Buck, who pulled the covers over them.

Eddie listened to Buck’s breathing in the dark. Buck wasn’t out of reach, Eddie’s bed wasn’t that big, but it wasn’t like in the hallway.

His stomach twisted again, a different uncomfortable twist that seeped up into his chest and tightened there.

Buck heaved a loud sigh, suddenly moving until he was next to Eddie. He tugged at him, until Eddie was on his side and Buck was curled around him, his breath tickling the back of Eddie’s neck and his arms wrapped tight around Eddie.

"This okay?" he whispered.

Heart thrumming, Eddie reached down to find Buck’s hand. Buck immediately grabbed on, linking them together again. His thumb left heat where it was stroking his skin again.

“I’ve got you,” Buck whispered, again. “Whatever you need Eddie, okay? I swear, I’ve got you.”

“I know,” Eddie breathed. He closed his eyes. Buck was a heat against his back, familiar even if they hadn’t been in this kind of position before. Eddie didn’t think he’d ever been held, not like this, not ever. God, it felt so fucking good though.

In the morning he’d have to find a way to explain Buck’s presence for Chris without Chris realizing anything had happened. Probably Chris would demand Buck’s pancakes, and Buck would make them. He was a sucker for Chris like that, and Eddie couldn’t blame him really.

Hopefully Buck wouldn’t push about what had happened in the hallway in the light of day. Eddie already felt embarrassed enough about the whole thing. He knew Buck wouldn’t mention it to anyone though, even without Eddie needing to ask. That was a relief.

Normally, after nightmares like that, Eddie found sleep impossible. At best, he’d manage to somewhat doze off; usually, he’d not even be able to lay down or close his eyes.

Nothing about the night had been normal though. Not since Buck had shown up in his hallway.

Sleep was tugging at his mind again. Buck’s breath was steady with it on his neck. His thumb had stilled, fingers lax though still linked in Eddie’s.

Eddie turned his head a bit more into his pillow, sigh turning into a yawn.

He knew what the difference was. Knew why he felt like he could sleep, with Buck next to him.

It was strange to think he felt _safe_ just because his best friend was there. Eddie hadn’t been in any danger before after all. Buck couldn’t do anything to stop Eddie’s mind from conjuring up more nightmares, more memories.

Didn’t change that _safe_ was precisely what Eddie was feeling.

He was too tired to question it further. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. It wasn’t a big deal anyway.

He was fine. Really this time.


End file.
